Behind the scenes with Conan O'Brien

At 3:45pm, a large, black SUV picked me up at the Hilton in Universal City, CA.

Five minutes later, it dropped me off at the "Tonight Show" studio:



I was greeted by a representative from the show who led me up the ramp, past security, around to the right, through a large storage area, through some doorways, into a small corridor, and finally into my green room:



Not bad, except for one minor detail involving the spelling of my name:



Last year, when I arrived in the green room for my appearance with Jay Leno, I was asked to sign a guest book. This time with Conan (where just about everything was run differently), I was asked to sign the walls instead, but the autograph session had to wait. There was no time. There was only an hour until the taping was set to begin, and I ended up spending most of it going over the script (yes, a script) with my segment producer -- an attractive, energetic woman named Rachel who looked to be a few years older than me. More on the script in a bit, but first, let me share a few more pics from the green room.

The food:



The drinks:



The bathroom:



Me flipping through the channels to find Game 2 of the ALDS -- Yankees versus Twins -- on TBS:



There were like 8 million channels, so it took a little while to find the game. I suppose I could've been signing the walls instead of playing with the TV, but I had my priorities.

Anyway, back to the script...

As I looked over it, I learned that my segment was going to feature a video montage with game footage of four of my home run catches -- but it didn't seem like the segment was going to contain any footage from the previous day at Dodger Stadium. I asked Rachel about it, but she still hadn't seen the Dodger footage. She asked me if there were any good/funny moments worth being on the show, so I told her about the nice catch I'd made on a Matt Holliday homer during BP, and how the whole crowd booed me because I was wearing a Cardinals shirt, and how I then lifted up the shirt to reveal my Dodgers gear underneath, and how the whole thing was a riot. She asked me if I knew where on the tape it was. I told her that if she could take me to the video editing room and let me scroll through all the footage, I'd be able to find that specific clip in less than a minute.

So...up we went to the video editing room. Here's a (slightly blurry) photo that I took from just inside the door:



Here's a closer look at the computer monitors:



Here's another look at the monitors with me (in the red "PUJOLS" shirt) on the right:



Everyone watched the clip and thought it was funny, but since it didn't "trump" the game home run footage, and since it was "too late" to make any changes to my segment, it wasn't used.

I returned to the green room and continued looking over the script. My whole segment was supposed to last six to eight minutes. Conan's ninth question was going to focus on my glove trick. The plan was for me to climb up on his desk and show him how it worked. I was *really* excited at the chance to get to do that -- I knew it was going to be hilarious -- but I was concerned that we'd run out of time before we got to it. Rachel told me that there was nothing anyone could do about the timing, and she instructed me to wait for Conan to introduce it.

Moments later, Jona was whisked off and taken into the studio audience.

Once the taping began, I watched Conan's opening monologue from the green room and then I was taken into the makeup room to get some powder on my face. Here's what the makeup room looked like:



When I walked into the room, Jeff Garlin (the show's first guest) was already sitting in one of the chairs. We said hello and chatted briefly, and the last thing he said was, "See you out there."

By the time I made it back to the green room, my name had been corrected on the door:



I didn't get to see much of Garlin's segment; Rachel was in the green room with me, giving me some last-minute reminders and suggestions.

Finally, when Garlin's segment ended, I was led through the corridors and taken backstage and positioned right behind the curtain. There was a little mark on the floor where I was supposed to stand. I was given a series of instructions on where to look and which camera would be on me and where to turn and where to walk and where Conan would be, and I forgot all of it as soon as the words were spoken.

"Thirty seconds!" shouted a voice as the band was blasting music.

That's when my heart started beating, not because I was nervous but because I was pumped. Meanwhile, I had no idea which way to walk after the curtain opened, so I asked for the instructions to be repeated. Basically, I was just told to look straight ahead at first and then walk to my right.

"Five seconds!" shouted the voice, and the music stopped moments later.

Then I heard Conan introduce me, and then the curtains were whisked open right in front of my face. I walked up the stairs, shook Conan's hand for the first time, then shook Garlin's hand, and sat down in the chair next to Conan's desk -- and then things just WENT from there.

As you can imagine, I've been hearing from a ton of people since the segment aired. In case you missed it on TV, you can watch it here on Hulu.com.

For the record, Garlin gave me a $20 bill for the charity, not a $10 bill (because he didn't have one), so here's what I just did (while writing this entry): I signed him up as a donor at 4 cents per ball, which brings his total to $21.28. At the conclusion of the post-season, I will keep his cash and use my own credit card to make a donation in his name to Pitch In For Baseball. (And yes, I will even donate the extra $1.28.) So rest assured: the charity WILL get the money that was handed to me on the show.

After my segment, Garlin walked off the stage, but Conan stayed at his desk so I talked to him during the commercial break. He told me the segment was great and thanked me for coming on, and I told him that I hoped I wasn't too feisty, and he was like, "No no, not at all, it was hilarious." He asked me if I still live in New York. I asked him how often he gets to go back there. He said he still has an apartment there that he'd like to sell, but he might wait until the real estate market recovers. I told him that property values in New York City haven't really been affected THAT much. I also told him that he once visited my family's book store in New York City. He asked what the name of the store was and where it's located, and when I told him, he totally remembered. So that was cool. Andy Richter came over and introduced himself (as if I didn't know who he was) and asked me what I do with all the balls. I told him that I give away some of them to kids and keep the rest, and he was like, "No, I mean, where do you store them?" He and I talked for a minute, and then it was time for the music act: a group I'd never heard of called Lady Antebellum. Garlin returned to the stage and sat back down just in time for Conan to introduce the band. Then, once the music started, I offered to give the $20 back to him, but he insisted that I keep it for the charity and said, "You're a good man."

Finally, after all the taping was done, I was escorted with Jona (who'd been brought down onto the floor for the music act) to the green room. I watched the Yankee game go into extra innings and ate ALL the food (except for those unnecessary veggies) and spent a few minutes taking photos of -- and then signing -- the walls.

Disclaimer: I haven't had a chance to inspect every single thing that other guests wrote on the walls, so in other words...there might be some R-rated language here and there. If that type of thing offends you, all I can say is: you've been warned.

That said, here's Jona, standing in the corridor (with the green room on the right), looking up at Garlin's inscription:



Here's what Garlin wrote/drew:



Here's another wall...



...and another wall (can you spot the baseball Hall of Famer?):



Here's what Mr. T left behind:



Here's yet another wall...



...and here's the area that contains what I wrote:



Here's a closer look at it:



And that's pretty much it.

Good times...